Turning Back Time
by Hasselhoff
Summary: In Progress:: Au. Continuation Of Ending Where it Started. Carter and Abby try to move on with their lives. Joint With AbbyLockhart2
1. New Found Fright

**Authors Note-** Sequel is here. I just wanted to thank everyone who read and reviewed Ending Where It Started. We thought that that ending was a appropriate place to end that part of their lives. Pick up in a new spot. Happier maybe? Well for one maybe, you be the judgle. I also wanted to say I won't be able to update till Monday- Tuesday, there is a slight possiblitiy I will get to update tomorrow. But it is not certain. This is Liby's chapter. Its great, a great start. hope you like it.   
  
I kick off my heels as I head up the padded carpet steps to my balcony. The view here is absolutely amazing. I throw my jacket on a chair, and shake my shirt loose from my waist. I would change out of this skirt, but I'm too lazy. That would require work I dont' think I can perform. I open my balcony door and walk forward, sinking into the soft cotton material of the padding. God, it's beautiful out here. The sun slowly sets upon the dark green forests, the homes begin to light up one by one. I take a sip of my wine cooler, letting the sweetness pass down my throat. Congratulations, Abby. You've made it one year. I'm so glad. Its been an experience. The hospital I'm working at is a private one, which means more of the doctors are there for show. I have my usual patients, considering I switched to psychology. I have to dress in suits and look professional. I like it. I feel more alive, but trapped at the same time. My office overlooks the river, my patients all have minimal problems. The work load is light, the pay check is high, and my life is slowly setting into place. All I need now is a husband. I have the dog. Maggie got me a dog. She said she was afraid of me being alone, so she got me a hundred and thirty pound German Shepard. As if I really needed all that extra weight. We've gotten along great though, he's a better boyfriend than I've had all my life. I've taught him how to clean. I'm resourceful. I kick my feet up onto the table, and sink deeper into the seat. Sirius lays next to me, and I swing my hand over and let it dangle so I can scratch behind his ears. Liz named him for me. She's got this really weird obsession with Harry Potter. I don't know what to make out of it. I liked the name, so I kept it. Sirius doesn't mind too much either.   
  
"Looks like its just you and me tonight."  
  
He looks up at me, his ears pop up and his mouth drops open. I think I'll take him for a walk by the river in a few minutes. I just need to get my sanity back for a second. I run my hand through my hair, and grab a rubber band from my wrist. I wrap my hair into a ponytail and tighten it. Okay. Let's go sweetheart. I plop my feet back down on the floor and make my way towards my bedroom. I pull out a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. I'll probably take a sweater just in case. Sirius waits outside the door as I change, and as soon as I call him in, he's waiting for me by the door, leash in mouth. I take it from him and clip it around his neck. He starts to pull me down the stairs. We make it to the door and I set my alarm. I walk out, waving to one of my neighbours. The grass was cut today, and the flowers are in full bloom. I start a fast pace, of course I don't' really have an option with Siri. I make it to the trail, and I unhook him. Most of the people here are the usual, and they know me and my dog. I sound like the ideal woman of the twenty-first century. Abby Lockhart, MD, Psychology. University of Minnesota. All in one year. I have no clue how I've made it. I've only got about a year left on my PhD. I'm going to be Professor Abigail Lockhart. I hate my name. I start a jog and Siruis runs along my side. I hear my name being called from behind me, and I whip around.   
  
"Hey Mitch."  
  
He runs over to me, his face glistening with sweat. It only makes him look more attractive. I could definitely love to see more of that. He takes his headphones off, and wipes away some of the sweat with his shirt, revealing a glimpse of a perfect six pack. Sirius comes to my side. He doesn't like Mitch too much. I've heard that dogs can be good judges of character. I don't care at this moment. I need to find a guy. I've been alone long enough. His brown hair and eyes look exactly like Carters... Shit. Forget the past. You can't go back to that. He'll never take you.   
  
"How are you?" I nod my head, giving him a small smile. He reaches for Siri, but he growls at him. I snap at him gentle and he goes off.   
  
"I'm glad I caught you. There's a concert down at the park tomorrow, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me, and catch some dinner after?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders. God I wish I could scream yes. I don't want to seem desperate.   
  
"Can I get back to you? I don't know my schedule off the top of my head."He nods his head, walking the path with me.   
  
"You know my number, give me a call." I nod my head, and watch as he puts his headphones back on his head. I watch him start running off towards the horizon, his perfect ass only being highlighted by the material. Thank god I did not decide to wash off my makeup. I hit my thigh, my signal for Siri that it's time to go home. He runs full sprint towards me and I begin to head back to the house. Some things change for the worse, but I think that this change has been for the better. I'm finally happy with my life. I might have run, but I'm never running again. I just need to slowly erase my past from memory. No more depressed, alcoholic Abby. This has been a new start for me. No links to the past. All have been erased.   
  
I reach my home and go around back. I unleash Siri and let him run in the huge backyard. I have a white picket fence. Not by choice of course, but I do. I walk inside, and pull a bottle of water from the fridge. I check my pager, nothing. I walk over to the couch and plop down, throwing my feet up. I'm allowed to be lazy every so often. I pull my planner out and double check for tomorrow's "date". My schedule is not packed at all. I flip the television on and find some reality TV-show. I pull my shirt off, sitting simply in a black sports bra. The heat has been killer lately. I run my fingers over the scars still embedded on my stomach. One of the evil reminds of my accident. They will never leave me. I will have fun explaining those to my future husband. Or Mitch. I noticed the phone's messaging system blinking. I reach over and press the play button. Probably Maggie or Eric. No one else knows my house phone. My pager and cell are for my patients.  
  
"Abby? It's John. I don't' want anything from you. I don't' even expect you to worry or care, but I think you should know something. I respect you enough for that. Sebastian was diagnosed with stage two Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia a week ago. His chances of survival aren't very promising at this point. He wants to see you."  
  
The beep echoes through the entire house as his voice just did moments ago. The silence burns wholes right through me. I never thought I would hear from him again. I wish I hadn't heard from him again. It would have made everything a hell of a lot easier. I pick up the phone, flipping through the caller ID for his number. No. I put the phone back down. No. That part of my life is gone. Something that needs to be forgotten. I pick the phone back up. Damn it. I dial the number for my airline.   
  
**Review Responses**  
  
**tars-** Thanks. We thought it was appropriate to start a continuation to this fic.   
  
**ER-**Carby-Luva- Thanks, but you never know what's going to happen in the sequel. But there is a sequel so that has to say something.   
  
**Selphie-** Well hmm... Coming back would be a good thing for her to do I think lol.   
  
**Alex-** The sequel's going to be interesting, we have 6 chapters written, so I'm not exactly sure where all this is going yet.   
  
**mandi-** Heh, Maddie is changing her ways. You don't really see much of her for a little though :(  
  
**FallenAngel-** Yay, we like reviewers lol. I don't know, I don't think I have talented, I always find fault in my writing. But I think Liby is an amazing author, one of the best on FF.net, but she doesn't think she is haha. You're probably great too... Have you written anything?   
  
**fiery red-haired girl-** YAY Sequels here lol.  
  
**CherryFaery-** Well we have only written six chapters, so I'm not sure how things will go yet. We don't usually plan what we write, we just write it lol. 


	2. Face To Face

Authors Note- Quick update. Possible another one on monday. Have a good weekend... If its a long weekend for you, like it is me, have an excellent extra day off:) Hope you enjoy. No review responses in this one. Thanks for all the review we recieved for chapter one, it floored me how many we got :)  
  
Heavy drops of water pound against my bare arms, racing through my hair, slipping down my cheeks, with the salty tears. My fingers shake around the loosely held cigarette, providing my only abyss over the last few weeks. The sweet taste of nicotine is refreshing from the gloomy days that await me. Leaving me wondering how I ever ended up here. Street lights flicker in the distance, as a seldom few bodies scurry for shelter. I remain immobile, my limbs shaking with fear, anticipation, hope... Not enough. I'm praying, every minute of my life I pray. Never being one for religion hasn't helped. I bring the cigarette to my lips, inhaling the harsh smoke, it rips past my throat, finding a home in my lungs. Not even this can bring me comfort anymore, nothing can. I long to feel the way I did a year ago, it was a short lived feeling, but an amazing one. Anything seemed possible, maybe that's why they call it love.   
  
"Dr. Carter?" I don't flinch, knowing that bad news bares. I've gotten use to this routine, its played out day in and out for the last few weeks. I've held his frail body in my arms, read to him, kissed him, hugged him, countless times. It doesn't do any good, not even bring a smile to his pale face. That same face that glowed, tormented his sister, he's changed, almost lifeless. What I'd give to have my son back, I'd give my own life. I feel hand upon my arm, gently squeezing it. I take another puff of the cigarette, before tossing it to the ground.   
  
"Sebastian wants to see you." I turn around to face the nurse. A jacket held over her head, acting as an umbrella. I nod, swallowing every possible emotion that I have tried to suppress since the diagnosis. She leads me into the hospital, the one I know like the back of my hand. Everything from the pale floor, to the walls that spelt out death. County, a place I never wanted to have Sebastian and Madison come to, not to mention spend almost three months of their precious lives in.   
  
His nurse leaves, allowing me to enter on my own. I push the door open, exposing a half awake Seb. His hair tousled in front of his eyes. "Daddy-" It comes out as more of a croak. I smile through the tears, his six year old body looks like that of a five year old. His growth has been stunted, unhappiness etched in his eyes. Pain bleeding through his smile.   
  
"Hey buddy." I slide the chair up next to him, taking his hand in my own. He slowly turns his head, looking at me.   
  
"She's not coming is she?" I take a deep breath, trying to piece together the words that explain, a woman that was like a mother to him for a few months, doesn't care enough to see him on his death bed. I didn't expect her too, but some where deep down I thought she just might...   
  
"I don't know..." My voice trails off, he takes a weak breath, a tear slowly slips down his cheek. He lifts his hand up wiping the stray tear away. I pull that hand into mine as well, taking my free hand to wipe his tears for him.   
  
I stare at him, watching as he falls into a light peace less sleep, nothing mattering but the precious life that lies in the hands of fate, scissors at the brink of cutting his very thin rope. Thinking back, it scares me, the happiest little boy I knew. Bobby's clone, both spectacular people, with so much to offer, lives taken at such a young age. I can't help but wonder what the positive part of my life is. Nothing seems important anymore, nothing seems feasible. Madison barely talks, rarely leaves the house, its a fight to get her to school. She refuses to see Sebastian, she thinks she's a jinx, she thinks she did this to him. I don't know how to tell her she didn't and how to tell her I did. How to tell her I killed her mother, and am slowly killing her brother. Another tear slips down my cheek, I can't let go of my fading son to wipe it. Its meaningless, it represents the life I could have lived, the happiness we could have had. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, I guess. I rest my head against his hand, kissing it gently, remembering how I did just that a year and a half ago to Abby. And three years before that with Becca. This is not something I want to make a tradition. Not with my kids, not with my girlfriends, not with my wife. I place a kiss along his forehead.  
  
"I love you Sebastian Robert." I stand up, I need some air, I can't stay here without hyperventilating. I drop his hands, staying a second longer to run my fingers through his long hair.   
  
I pull the door open, exposing the bland halls, death... The feeling of death resurfaces. I want to find hope, somewhere... I try to dig, find it within myself, but I can't. I know there is none. I scan the packed rooms, noise filling the air, non of it comprehendible. I search through the blur of people, the haze of voices for a familiar face. Susan, Chen, Pratt... I don't care anyone. I need someone. I just- I need someone to go in there, watch him, let him know that someone will always be there for him. I can't be there right now. I feel like falling to floor, blending in with the tiles... I crease my sweating brow with my fingers. Pushing down on my temples. I try to breathe, every breath I take is like a million fingers wrapping around my throat, choking me. I slowly lift my head, fighting off the soon to appear tears. I bring my hand down to the door handle, grasping it. I feel weak, I have nothing left... No support. My father couldn't come down, my mother wouldn't. I just need someone, anyone. I search the room again, heaving a deep sigh...  
  
"Abby?" I blink again, not sure if I am seeing things, if I am running purely on hopes and wishes. Never have I needed her so much, never has Sebastian needed her so much... I clear my throat, she is looking around, the desk clerk is not being very helpful.   
  
"Abby!" I call it out louder, with everything I have left. Her head turns, meeting my gaze right on. This is not how I imagined this moment, her wrapped in my arms, a joyous reunion. Almost fairytale like. Not this. Never was it this. She starts towards me, it feels as though she has been walking forever. When she finally gets to me, nothing needs to be said she understands. I run my fingers through my hair. I can't believe she's here. Seb will be thrilled, I'm thrilled. I look up, our eyes meeting.   
  
"He's dying Abby." It comes out as a hush. She doesn't move a muscle, her face stays set in stone, afraid to show emotion. Being strong was always something that she thought she was, or admired, or even strived to be.  
  
"I know." She whispers back, her finger brushes against my cheek, wiping away a tear.   
  
"I don't think I can do it." I can feel my chest collapsing, trying to fight the tears isn't working. Soon her arms are around me, embracing me as I cry into her shoulder. I hear her whisper into my ear that she's feeling this too. I want to be mad at her, scream at her. Tell her how much I hate her for coming back, for leaving, for thinking she has the right to walk into my son's life and make everything better. Because I know that is what will happen. He adores her, seeing her face for five minutes will brighten his day. I've sat by his bed for hours on end, holding his hand, kissing, holding him... None of that means anything. He needs her, he needs to hear after all this time that she still thinks about him, wants to be near him.   
  
"Hey..." She parts from me for a second, giving me a chance to recuperate, I hold her hand in my own. "Sebastian could get through this." I shake my head at her, don't do that. Don't say this. Don't give him false hope. We have fought together, I have been here every step of the way. He's dying. Words can't make him better, he's going. Anything she says to him he's going to believe. He'd believe anything she says, I can't have her feeding him that. Telling him something that will never happen.   
  
"He's not going to. Don't tell him-" I choke on my words, "don't tell him he will. I can't have him believing false things..." I Pull my hand from hers, she looks a little irritated.   
  
"Don't you want him to be strong? Fight, if you are feeding him things like that-" Her hand has found its way to her hip, and attitude found its way to my ears.   
  
"Look, you haven't been here long, you haven't watched him suffer. So you are not one to tell me what ideas to put into my sons head." I lean against the wall. I haven't slept in three months pretty much, haven't eaten in days, I'm not in the mood for this. For her. I wouldn't have called her if it weren't for Seb. He means the world to me right now.   
  
"Look-" She sighs a little, taking a step closer to me. "I don't want to fight with you. You're right, he's your son, I just- I want him to fight... Get through this, we can help him. He's still here, right?" I nod, waiting for her to continue. "That's gotta mean something." Yeah it means the disease is slowly eating him alive.   
  
I take her hand in mine. I nudge my head towards his room, she nods, accepting that she will go in with me. She runs her thumb along the back of my hand. I lead her in, Sebastian is still sleeping quietly.   
  
"Sebastian." She whispers, his eyes flutter open. A smile present on his lips. 


	3. Pieces

**Authors Note-** Okay, so I have done the review responses a bit differently this time. If your review was similar to someone elses, I grouped them together and reviewed them as one. I didn't want to do this, casue I like to review everyones seperatly, but I am pressed for time, and I wanted to respond and post a chapter tonight and that was my only way of doing it. I hope thats okay. Anyways here's the next chapter. We have not yet written past chapter four, but we should be gettng another one tonight, if we can't, then hold tight we will try to update as soon as possible. There will most likely be a chapter tomorrow though, just maybe not Wednesday, lol.   
  
I hold Sebastian's frail body in my arms. He is so tiny and thin, a living corpse. His breathing is deteriorating, he can barely move. I wish I was in his place. Its not fair, this shouldn't happen to him. Carter left to go work a shift, he didn't have to, but it keeps his mind off everything that is happening. I give Sebastian another kiss and place his body down on to the bed. He needs all the sleep he can get. I could watch him sleep for hours, I wish I could make up all the time I spent apart from him. I trace the back of his hand with my thumb, a slow repetitive motion. I want this to leave him. He doesn't deserve this. The hum of the machines above him lies in sync with the rise and fall of his chest. He looks like he's slowly drowning in the size of the massive bed and sheets. I lay my head down on my other arm, perched up against the metal railing. My Sebastian, my baby, please fight for me. I feel a sudden sensation near my thigh, and it takes me a few seconds to realize its my phone on vibrate. I was worried for a second. I let Seb's hand go and walk out of the room. I walk out and shut his door, flipping out my phone as I do so. We're not allowed to have cell phones in the hospital rooms, and I would hate to disturb Sebastian.   
  
"Abby?"  
  
I switch my phone to my other ear. I watch through the glass and Sebastian searches for a more comfortable position, but goes back to the previous one, obviously defeated.   
  
"Hey Mitch, what's up?"  
  
I hear the shuffle of the hospital's ER in the background, but its nothing compared to County. I almost got trapped when I showed up. I was actually dragged into a trauma. Nothing like saying hi over blood and guts, right?  
  
"Well, I have some bad news. One of your patients, Mr. Allen, has just been admitted to ICU in critical condition for attempted suicide."  
  
Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gone. I leave and suddenly everything falls apart. I shouldn't have let the guy go. I need to present better judgement sometimes. I don't know why I put up with it all. I should go back to emergency medicine. Everyone thinks that working in the Psyche ward takes no effort. It does, it is mentally exhausting, especially when you have patients that show no progress in all the time you work with them.   
  
"Is he talking? Is he responsive?"  
  
I hear the clicking of Mitch's pen over the phone. It suddenly died down. Yeah, the ER is like that there. We get some moments, but otherwise, everyone is orderly and polite, no shooting, no stabbing, no fighting. I almost miss Chicago.   
  
"That's why I'm calling. He's being transported to Psyche, but he won't talk to anyone but you."  
  
I run my hand through my hair, concentrating on Seb's monitor. I lean against the wall, away from him. What am I supposed to do? I can't leave him, not now, not again. I can't leave my patients either. He's not my worst. I have others that are worse than Mr. Allen. I sink slowly to the floor, contemplating all I have to loose and what I have gained.  
  
"So what am I supposed to do?"  
  
I rest my head on my kneecaps. The throbbing in my head is beginning to start. I rub my temples, which only seems to make the pain worse. Slowly I look up, I see a mother crying over a bed. The shrill sound of the monitor echoes throughout the entire floor. The door slams shut. Another casualty in this war against nature.   
  
"Is your brother still running that trail?"  
  
I hear him sigh, I probably threw him off guard. I don't know what I want anymore. I want hope, I want some type of hope.   
  
"I'll have him give you a call."  
  
He hangs up, I know Mitch will do everything in his power to persuade his eldest brother to call me. I met Wesley a few times, he works in the hospital's paediatric oncology unit. He started a new trial, and I had to prepare the patients and the families psychologically for the intensive care. I was there a lot, but he found a specialist in child psychology. I would help out from time to time. I look back at the room where I saw the mother crying. The door is closed, a thick wooden barrier between hell and reality. They seem almost equal at times. My phone starts to vibrate in my hand, and I pop it open.   
  
"Dr. Lockhart, what can I do for you?"  
  
I breathe a sigh of relief. That took all of what, five seconds? I have to remember to give Mitch a huge hug and a kiss when I get back. He is my savoir, I could not ask for a better friend right now.   
  
"I have a patient for you."  
  
I hear his sigh, and a bit of laughter in the background. He's probably with one of his patients, trying to cheer them up. He's such a wonderful doctor, the kids seem to love him. He looks threatening at times, but he has a heart the size of Alaska.   
  
"Get the approval, fax the information, and if he qualifies, I'll have a chopper come and get him. Of course I am only supposed to agree to this if you come back and tend to your patients, Ms. Lockhart."  
  
My heart is pounding, this could be the answer we've all been searching for. I mean he didn't have to take Seb. I don't' want to get my hopes up, this isn't a cure all. He's not god, and neither has he had 100% success in his trial, but maybe Seb's one of the positive percent. He has everything going for him. Seb has his entire life in front of him. He can't just deteriorate in the hospital.  
  
"It's a deal."  
  
I slam my phone and pick myself off of the floor. Where in this world is Carter. I straighten my skirt and my heels click down the hallway as I head towards the elevator. I wave at the nurse to tell her that I'll be right back and she acknowledges me with a nodd. I wait for the elevator, but decide for the stairs. I race down them, a vague memory of my med school days. Running from one floor to the next with labs and information. It was hectic, but it was always worth it in the end. I follow my sense to the lounge, since I don't see him on the floor, and its relatively quiet, even for County. I push the door open and meet Carter, who is sitting at the table, filling out charts.   
  
"John."  
  
He looks up at me, then instantly stands up, as if I am going to attack him, or he wants to distance himself from me. I wouldn't blame him at this point, but I don't care. Its not about him, or me, or us, or if there is even an us. This is about Sebastian.   
  
"I pulled a few strings and can get Sebastian into the Ped's Oncology at U of M. One of my colleagues is running a trial, incorporating mental and physical therapy... He's had an 87% success rate."  
  
He looks at me dumbfounded, a questioning of my motives most likely. He sits back down at his table.  
  
"I've had specialists see him. I've done everything I can. There's no hope."  
  
I want to hit him, I want to just hit those horrid thoughts out of his mind. Getting better is part psychological. If Seb wasn't full of such lame thoughts, he might be more prone to fighting the disease, not giving into it. I know he's seen it before, but he needs to have faith.   
  
"So you're just going to let your son die? This could give him a chance."  
  
He mindlessly flips through piles of papers. Does this not affect him? Does he just simply not give a damn? I grab the chair next to him and sit down. He looks at me with his tired eyes, clearly overburdened and hopeless. It seems hopeless, I know. But I love you, I love your son and your daughter. Your son needs to get better, for me, for us, for all of us. Please, understand, I want to do what's best. I want to undo all the pain I caused before. I'm better now, I wish I could make you see that. I won't break your heart, I won't leave. Please... Just understand me.   
  
"Or put him through more pain."  
  
A sigh of frustration escapes from me, and he moves farther and farther away from me, concentrating more on his papers than anything else. Men are so stupid, I swear. I cradle my phone in my hands, trying to express some degree of self restraint.   
  
"Why don't you ask him what he wants to do?"  
  
He rolls his eyes at me, taking a sip from his cup of coffee. I don't understand him. Does he want to watch his son die? Is he a burden that he can't bare? Give him to me, I'll take him. I'll take both of them. Just give him a chance to live.   
  
"Ask him? You're here, he'll do anything for you."  
  
I know he would. I want him to fight. He has to fight. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I want him to be here. I want to tease him about his first girlfriend, or his first day of high school. I want to take prom pictures and watch him graduate from college. He has so much in him, he needs to hang on. I watch Carter rise from the chair, walking towards the sofa. He stares aimlessly into space, the world slowly collapsing around him. I know what it feels like, I've lived through it many times before. The world is hopeless, yet you have to keep breathing, keep pushing... You will come out stronger. I will be there, holding you up, when you least want me.   
  
I walk over to him, sitting down on the empty spot next to him. He makes no reaction, no notion of what he's feeling. I slowly reach my hand to his arm, running up and down slowly and gently. He starts to crack. I start to catch. My arms slowly wrap around his shoulders and his head nestles into my lap. I hold his shaking form in my arms, his tears flowing down his eyes. I'll be here when you need me, I'll catch you when you fall. I'll be here when you need me, I'll be your life, your love, your soul.   
  
I hold him until there are no more tears to cry, and the world has suddenly stopped moving for that brief second. I lay a gentle kiss on his head, linking my fingers with his. I'm the stronger one now, I have to be. I don't know how far this strength will take me, but I won't screw up. I've done it too many times before. I pull him even closer to me, I've never felt more complete in my life. The world can tumble around me, yet I know I'll be strong. I'm finally where I want to be. I place another kiss on his cheek. His breathing is slow and steady, his eyes fluttering with the passing tears. It will be okay, I promise. We'll be okay.   
  
**Review Responses**  
  
**Chapter 2**  
  
**smilez4eva, tars, ER-Carby-Luva, fiery red-haired girl-** Well I am not sure this whole Seb story line is going to play out to be honest. We have only written up to chapter four. But I will be very sad if we kill Seb off.   
  
**FallenAngel-** Yeah, I think Abby and Carter can still read each other. Int he show they totally can!!!  
  
**Chapter 1**  
  
**hyperpiper91-** A dog huh? I am terrified of dogs lol! (your reviewed cracked me up lol)  
  
**smilez4eva-** Hmm you know what? I dont know what's going on with that, we haven't writen many more chapters, one actually so I don't know where we will take taht story line. But I hope we can pick it up.   
  
**FallenAngel-** You write poety? Have you posted any of it? The only fic of mine I've been kinda happy with was a fic Iw rote called bleeding hearts lol. I got like two reviews, but I loved writing htat one, it was so different from what I normally write. I duno, writing is usually a bitch, lol cause you always see something wrong with it. But its a great way to express yourself.   
  
**Callie, mandi, tars, march, Carby04, robin, trish -** Well Seb is a fighter, I don't know if he is going to make it or not though, cause we haven't gottent hat far. But I agree hopefully it won't take seb's life to get these two together... If they end up together ;)  
  
**LoLoMo-** I totally Agree, Abby having her life together is great, great for her and Carter and Seb and Maddie. I love Abby in the show. She rocks, she's totally gonna kick ass being a doc :)  
  
**shygirly28-** I hope you do:)  
  
**Tilde8884-** Bangs are something we love. Although Liby doesn't like Abby's bangs, I do though hmmm.  
  
**kate, fiery red-haired girl-** Seb is great, maybe we will give him some kick ass lines, so if he does die he dies on a finny note. lol But I hope he doesn't.  
  
**Preview**  
  
"If it were me dying she wouldn't be here." She gives me one long look, I don't know how to respond. 


	4. Trial And Turbulence

**Authors Note-** There may or may not be a chapter posted tomorrow. We are behind on the writing, cause we've had really busy past few weeks. Keep your eyes peeled though:) Thanks for the reviews, I responded to them individually at the bottom this time.   
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**Chapter Four**

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I shove the few articles of clothing that still fit him into a suitcase. Its not much, he's basically lived in pyjamas and hospital gowns. Not much of a wardrobe. I toss the light bag onto the floor. Silently cursing Abby for convincing me to do this. I'm not sure it will even help, its doubtful. She refuses to give up hope, who would have thought, Abby hopeful... I wonder who and what she's fucking in Minnesota. Barney by the sounds of it. I haul myself out of Sebastian's abandoned bedroom, a place that hasn't gotten much use over the past few months. He's rarely been home. I sigh sadly, hoping that maybe Abby is right, maybe this treatment will work. I leave the room, with about as much faith as when I entered. Abby has been at the hospital with Seb a lot of the time, when she's not she's sleeping here and I'm at the hospital. We haven't had much time to talk, I am thankful for that. I don't want to hear what she has to say, she can go back, do whatever she has been doing, I don't want to have to see her again. Ever. Not after this.   
  
"Daddy?" I look over my shoulder, Madison stands at the stairs, her tear streaked face looks back at me. I walk over to her, pulling her into my arms, she's coming with us. Despite all her efforts to stay here, alone... Not going to happen. She rests her head on my shoulder, crying a little bit.   
  
"You'll get to spend time with Abby." I pull away a little bit to look at her. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I don't know how she feels, thinks, acts, hell some days I even forget what she looks like. The images blur, becoming a picture of Rebecca and Madison. One I have of them from when Maddie was little. She looks older now, more mature. She'll be nine soon, I can't believe it.   
  
"Abby doesn't want to spend time with me, she never did." I shake my head, I want to tell her its a lie, but another part of me wants to tell her its true. Let her believe that, get her to help me drive Abby away. I know it sounds selfish, but every time she's near I feel threatened. Threatened that she may rip everything I have, the only thing I have from my bare hands.   
  
"She loves you Madison. Just as much as she loves Sebastian." She shakes her head not believing, sometimes I'm not sure I believe it. She has always had a closer bond to Sebastian, they have something unexplainable.   
  
"If it were me dying she wouldn't be here." She gives me one long look, I don't know how to respond. The grip that I held on her arms is loosened, she wiggles away from me, running into her bedroom. I stay in the same squatting position, my elbows resting on my knees.   
  
"Its not true." I look up, Abby stands in front of me, a weak smile apparent on her lips. I rise standing in front of her, my hands dangling at my side.   
  
"Go tell her then." I snap, she just sighs, following me into my bedroom. Maddie has every reason to believe that. Abby never really try to get to know her, break down her shield. Sometimes you have to do that with kids, break down that layer they have skill fully built up. Abby wasn't in doing that, she wasn't interested in anyone but herself.   
  
"Madison is coming right?" I scoff at her attempt to make small talk with me.   
  
My bedroom is cluttered with clothing, my drawers scattered around the room. I pick up my tie off the floor tossing it onto the bed. I can feel her on my heels, eyes baring into me. I can't make her look away, but I wish she would. I can't bear her anymore. Seeing her brings back memories, memories I have tried to suppress since the day she left. The day I stood outside her apartment building, watching her stuff get packed into the back of a cab. I busy myself by throwing my covers on my bed, haphazardly throwing the pillows on top. I just want to crawl in, bury myself, cry myself to sleep. I can't. I have to be strong for Sebastian, for Madison, for myself. I watch her sit down on the bed, sighing quietly. She wants to say something, she doesn't know how to start, she thinks it can all just go back to the way it was. I'm sick of it. I get sick thinking about it. The way everything seemed so simple, yet underneath it was complicated, the threads I thought were pulled so tightly were coming loose.   
  
"John..." She says softly, her eyes set on my face. She's begging with me to say something. Anything, even a fuck you would be suffice. But I don't. I can't cave into her. If she thinks she can just walk back into our lives like this she's wrong.   
  
"I'm going to check on Madison, call a hotel then I'm going to see Sebastian. Can you stay with her tonight?" My jaw is set, I won't let her in, not in anyway. She wouldn't do that for me a year ago, I won't for her today.   
  
Our eyes lock, she plays with the corners of the blanket absentminded. She nods slowly, opening her mouth to say something. "You guys can stay with me." No. No. No! Not a chance in fucking hell. I can't do that. I start to shake my head but she stops me. "When you're at the hospital whose Maddie going to stay with. We can both stay with Sebastian, take turns, we'll never have to see each other." She swallows taking a shaky breath. "Please."   
  
I stare at her, her hair fallen messily in front of her eyes. Dark circle outline her big brown eyes, the ones I fell in love with, she can still trap me with them today. They hold so much emotion, some much fear and feeling. "I'll call you if I'm going to be late coming home tomorrow." I leave her there perched on my bed. Her fingers clutching to the fabric, squeezing it so tightly her knuckles have turned white.   
  
I open the door to Madison's room with a gentle creak. She's in bed, but not asleep. Sleep is a rarity in this family, for anyone but Sebastian. He can't do anything but sleep. The rest of us can't clear out heads. Thoughts swarm us, eating each person alive. I take a step closer to her bed. The light from a street lamp pouring in her ajar bedroom window. I close the door with a click, she doesn't budge. A pout apparent on her face.   
  
"Madison." I whisper kneeling at her bed, she turns her face slightly, wiping the tears away before I can really see them. She built the same walls that Abby built, she's a scared little girl trying to be strong. She's stronger than I am. I want to pull her into my arms, tell her everything will be okay. I can't. It would be a lie, an impossible lie.   
  
"Seb might get better right?" I nod slowly, falling into the lie. Surrendering myself for her. I never tried to let on that I didn't believe he could get better. But eventually they just sensed it.   
  
"Yeah sweetie, there is a chance." I put my arm around her, trying to squish myself onto her bed.   
  
"Then we never have to see Abby again right?" I swallow hard, hoping she'll give way a bit more, tell me what exactly she is thinking. "Cause I don't want you to love her anymore." I kiss her forehead slowly, I don't think I can stop loving her Maddie. I'll try for you though, if that what makes you feel better, I'll try. "She doesn't know how to love does she? She doesn't really love me." A tear slips down her cheek, I wipe it away quickly. She nuzzles her head into my stomach, I run my fingers through the tangles, gently tugging at the end of each strand. The tears start to flow more freely. A gentle knock brings us out of reverie. The door opens, flooding the room with light.   
  
"Sorry to interrupt, but the hospital called." My head jolts up at the sound of Abby's voice. She's caught my attention. "They said that Sebastian isn't- They just said to come down right away." She chokes on her words. I pull Madison out of bed throwing her over my shoulder. A million thoughts racing through my mind, not one good, not one hopeful.   
  
**Review Responses  
**  
**tars-** You bet right!   
  
**Hibbs-** I'm not sure about Carby land right now, its an empty village with nothing but rats, and squirrels, no love:( not yet at least;)  
  
**hyperpiper91-** Maura Tierny rocks Liby's socks too. She loves her! Glad you liked that chapter:)


	5. Slipping Seconds

Authors Note- Sorry for delay.. me tired. me can't type. you enjoy chapter. you thanks for reviews. night.   
  
I follow the rushing gurney towards the awaiting helicopter. I have no clue what just happened, but its become crucial that Sebastian get to the medical centre in Minnesota as soon as possible. He's stable for the time being, so we are all hoping that he will stay that way for the trip. Its going to be one hell of a day. Carter cradles Madison in his arms as he runs in front of me. The wind smacks my face, the blades running, noise of the city below. I see Carter start yelling at the paramedic and I make my way closer. I hear the conversation. Only I was authorized to fly with Sebastian. Carter's a little ticked. I never said anything about either one of us going, but apparently I was presumed. Carter shoots me a death stare and I quickly look away. He starts to argue with the flight nurse as I move towards Seb. I grab his hand and squeeze gently. His fingers hold on to mine as tight as they can. I see Carter throw his hands up in defeat and I push Seb's hair back. He walks over towards me, Madison clinging on to him for dear life.   
  
"You better take care of him because I will personally murder you." Thanks for the pep talk, Carter. I really appreciate all the support.   
  
"I'm flying out as soon as I can." I nod my head and see the pilot motioning me towards the helicopter. I start to walk towards it, giving Carter a quick goodbye wave when I hear my name being called.   
  
"Can I go with?"  
  
I turn around and see Madison pleading with me, wanting nothing more than to be close to Sebastian. Carter looks at me dumbfounded, I run over to the flight attendant. After a bit of bitter words and negotiations, I push my way into letting her come along. I motion her over and she breaks away from Carter's grasp, running toward me. Carter follows her but then gives up defeated. I see the angry look on his face, and I simply shrug my shoulders. I help the nurse pull her into the seat and I follow her. I watch him from the window. I watch him watch me steal his children away. I have their lives in my hands right now. I can't let them go. I check Sebastian's stats, his pulse is beginning to drop. I check the tubes, something's not right. His heartbeat is slow, too slow. I grab the drug box, searching for the epi. I can't find it. And he needs it. Damn it. I grab it and push .5 milligrams into his IV. I grab his hand and squeeze it, he squeezes back gently. The ride seems longer than it should be. The world below us keeps on going, yet they will never know the truth above them. The pain, the tears, the devotion, the trust. So much happens in places yet unnoticed. I look at Madison. She plays with Sebastian's hair, protective of her only brother. She sits stiff and uninviting, she does not want me here. She wants to block out all the pain I've caused her.   
  
A little under two hours, I've managed to figure out where I stand, what I want, what needs to be done. My watch says 9:47, yet I don't believe it. The trip from Chicago to Minneapolis did not take as long as I thought it would, yet every minute counts. Every second lasts longer than it should. We've made it, we've all made it. They take Sebastian first, rushing him inside. I sign the papers, authorizing my drug dosages, and pull Madison off the chopper. She holds on for a second, then becomes cold again. I set her down. She walks in front of me, I keep a close step behind her. I make my way to the ward, greeting the nurses, knowing my turf. I'm a doctor here: respected, admired, trusted. I greet the attending and hand him all the papers.   
  
"Was he stable on the transfer?" I nod my head solemnly, pointing out the most recent medications administered. He makes notes on the newly started chart, a blank page that will eventually be filled up with more writing than humanly possible.   
  
"Okay, so I suggest you go home and get some rest. We're starting treatment tonight, so he'll be out all night until tomorrow afternoon."I start to shake my head. I don't want to leave him. You can't be serious about me leaving him. I want to stay. I will stay. This is my son. You don't understand, what if this was your child? Would you be so accepting to hand him over into complete strangers arms?   
  
"Dr. Lockhart, there is nothing you can do right now but care for yourself." I shift my gaze to what he is staring at, and Madison comes into view. She's standing by Sebastian's bed, holding his hand.   
  
I instantly understand and mutter a quick "Thank you" and "Call me if anything happens." I walk towards the duo, pausing at the door just to make sure its okay for me to come in. I place a kiss on Sebastian's forehead, pushing away his dark brown hair.   
  
"I love you, Kiddo. You'll pull through for me, right?" He nods his head weakly and I give him another kiss.   
  
"We'll be back tomorrow... I love you." I see Madison give his hand one last squeeze and she starts out the door. I cover his fragile body with the blanket say a small prayer for him. He'll pull through. He'll somehow make it through all this. He has to.   
  
I walk out the door, walking toward Madison. She is on her way towards the elevator, hands wrapped protectively around her. I place my hand on her shoulder and she quickly moves away. She wants nothing to do with me. I know that for a fact. But she's stuck with me.   
  
"Maddie, you're coming home with me tonight. Your dad's flying in tomorrow morning."  
  
She shrugs her shoulders, indifferent to the crappy situation she's been placed in. I take her hand but she denies it. I push her towards the door, the exit, the walk home. An endless battle to understand her, to connect with her, to somehow tell her I'm sorry. I can't do any of it. She won't let me. The hate she possesses magnifies off her, claiming my entire being, forcing me to silence. We reach my house, I can hear Siri crying in the background. Maggie probably didn't take him out on a walk, just let him out in the yard. I told her I was going to be home tonight, so to leave him inside. Maddie freezes in front of the door as the whimpers get louder and I shift my key into my lock. She stands behind me, I can feel her breathing on my back.   
  
I walk in and I hear the panting of my massive beast somewhere in the living room. I flip the lights on and he walks in, sitting down a few feet in front of me. Madison follows me, in step with my own.   
  
"He doesn't bite. His name is Sirius." She walks closer, and Siri stays still. She puts out her hand, and he examines it closely, as if understanding the owner through a simple gaze. He pushes his head under her hand, and she begins to scratch his ears. Nice move, he likes that. I leave them and walk into the kitchen, opening the patio door to let Siri out when he needs to go. I see him run out a few minutes later. I walk back to Maddie and start towards the stairs. I move towards my guest room, opening the door, letting her inspect her place. I pull a t-shirt out of my closet for her to sleep in for the night. Carter said he's brining her stuff tomorrow. I leave her in her silence, and downstairs. I shut the door and set the alarm. I feel like I'm sleepwalking. I can't see straight, the world has gone blurry. I check on Maddie, and she's already in bed. I walk to my room, Siri on my heels. He jumps on the end of the bed, making himself comfortable. I don't even bother to change out of my clothes, I simply shed them, and climb into bed. The soft sheets wrap around my body, the feather pillow lulls me into a quiet rest. I need to sleep, I need the energy to make it through all this, but most of all, I need to forget...   
  
The growling stirs me, knocking me from slumber. I push him with my leg, but he does not relent. The stupid dog does not want to go out at this hour of the night. No. Just shut up. He hops off, looking at me and at the door. He barks a low bark, now he's growling at me. Damn dog. I swear he's part human with all the mood swings. I pull my robe on and follow him down the stairs. He gets to the front door and sits right in front of it. He lies down, as if he's expecting me to open the door. I am not arguing with my dog. I am not arguing with my goddamn dog.   
  
"You're an idiot you know that? Why do I keep you? I should ship you off to Alaska. They could use you there." I undo the locks and I could have sworn my dog just rolled his eyes at me. Is that possible? Can dogs roll their eyes? Can he even understand what I'm saying?  
  
"See, you bloody idiot, nothing there." I see his ears perk up, and he looks at the door then at me. I shift my attention to the door. Damn dog. Always right.   
  
I see the exhaustion in his eyes, the hopelessness in his wake. He's mentally dead, physically dying. His body is slumping towards no restraint, his eyes searching but not finding. I move closer to him, my hand reaches up to his cheek, rough against the stubble. I take his hand from outside the door, pulling him in. How did he find me? How did he know? It doesn't matter. I drop his bags near the closet by the door. There will be time for all that later. I lead him slowly up the stairs, practically guiding him as a baby walking for the first time. He's destroying himself. He can't keep doing this to himself.   
  
I reach my bedroom, shutting the door behind us. I quickly strip him of his clothes, leaving him in nothing but boxers and a shirt. He slowly complies with my actions, too overworked and preoccupied to care what I'm doing. I put him in bed, covering him with the comforter. I make my way to the other side, slipping into the little room he's left for me. I lean in towards him, resting my head against his shoulder, his arms wrap around my body. I lean up, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. I can feel his slipping farther away from me, into a world of dreams. And I feel this all to be a dream, a dream that will slowly dissipate as soon as the sun rises, and I wake up.  
  
Review Responses  
  
smilez4eva- Hm, Maddie might come around, not sure yet though.  
  
FallenAngel- Thank you:) Maddie is really fun to write, she's kickin'.  
  
Pa- Abby left Maddie , she's just feeling angsty that Maddie.   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- I duno how Seb is going to be, Liby's writing chapter seven right now lol. Buit I don't know if there will be much improvement from now till then on Seb's condition.   
  
Hibbs- lol thanks, we enjoy angst, it keeps the ball rolling lol. By the way I love your fic London Rain. I will review the next chapter you post, I have been reading it and I love it.   
  
shygirly- I know I would totally do a guy with the name trent haha jokes. No but I do think its a hot name... Hmm I'll have to think about that.. that is a good idea though!  
  
fiery red-haired girl- Nope seb's alive and kicking, well not exactly kicking, but you get my point lol.  
  
Tilde8884- Cliff hanger not long... :)  
  
FallenAngel- I agree Abby should do some of the comforting every once in a while. Everything has one little detail its a pain in the kaboose, when youa re writing and just cant fix that detail. But i can't write poetry at all. I usually write short blurbs or stories or whatever:) 


	6. Nothingness

Authors Note- Quick update today. There will not be any chapters this weekend, cause I am going away... again lol. There could possibly be one Friday and Sunday but definitely not Saturday. Thanks for the reviews, hope you enjoy this chapter.   
  
I jam the window open, the cool breezes rushes through the room, Sebastian shivers involuntarily. I tuck the blanket closer around his almost lifeless body. His eyes are shut, but I know he is awake, he's too weak. So weak. I reach for his hand, bringing it to my lips trying to reassure him that it could all be okay. One day it will be, it has to be. I don't think I could live without him. Madison and I would never be the same, how could we be? He's brought so much life and energy to our lives, he can't just leave, take it all away. I feel his tiny fingers run along my own, trying to get my attention.   
  
"Daddy." He whispers, I look up at him, he manages to pry his eyes open, gazing back at me. "Can you and Abby stay with me tonight?" I watch him for a second, nodding my approval. Hey, my dying kids only wish is for his father and, dare I say it, mother to spend the night with him. I can oblige. I watch him for a second longer, sensing that that is not all he wanted to say. Swallowing he watches me intently, fingers tightening around my own. "Will you let her be your girlfriend again?" He chokes out. Great my six year old is trying to get involved in my love life.   
  
"Not right now baby, just get some rest, okay?" He nods reluctantly, shutting his eyes. I pick myself up out of the chair. I need coffee, I can barely stay awake lately. My mind is flooded with thoughts of Sebastian. Especially last night, not being by his side, not being able to be by his side. It killed me, every second of it.   
  
I walk outside the hospital room, finding Madison leaning up against the wall, her heels scuffing at the painfully white floor. I gently touch her shoulder, bringing her out of her day dream. She reaches up, intertwining her fingers with my own. Together we head off to the cafeteria, anything sounds better than cafeteria food right now, but unfortunately that's our only option. Maddie's use to it, hell that's all she has eaten over the past few weeks. She might have even grown to like it. But I highly doubt that. I look down at her again, her tiny blond head bopping in the air, bopping to the beat in her head. A smile crosses over my lips. Watching as she flails her hands in the air, puffing out her cheeks than deflating them, just to do it again, makes me smile. She looks so carefree, so innocent, yet I know all the problems that have been weighing on her mind. Everything that keeps her from being a regular eight year old. Turning her into the overly mature, under confident and sad little girl she is today. I know if I loose Sebastian I have lost her. If not physically, emotionally. She has always been closed off, but I fear that she will get to the point where there is just no hope. I have brought two kids into this world to only to hand them more pain in their short lives then some will ever live through. How fair is that?   
  
I lean down, pulling her tiny body into my arms, distracting her momentarily, from her dancing. Her arm wraps around my neck, she leans her head against my shoulder, humming quietly, just like her mother use to do. I let the music fill my ears for a few moments, not wanting to break the moment, wreck what we have built. The only peace I have felt in a while. Her fingers entangle in my hair, as she brushes her lips against my cheek squeezing me tightly.   
  
"I love you." She murmurs, I smile a little. She's barely spoken over the last few weeks. If I had to choose what I would want to hear her say, once she started to speak again, it would be that. Those exact words.   
  
"I love you too, Madison." She clings to me tighter, her fingers still playing with my hair.   
  
"Once we leave..." She starts, stopping to cough a bit before starting up again. "Once we leave, we don't have to see her anymore right?" Her. Abby, she never calls her by name anymore. I'm not even sure if she acknowledges her existence unless she absolutely has too.   
  
"I don't know Maddie." She pouts a little bit, sighing. I hold her close, not wanting to let her go.   
  
"Will you at least stop sleeping in the same bed as her?" Hmmm. Well that would be a good idea, especially if my kid is seeing this. I had no idea that Madison saw that. I thought we were up before her. I guess I thought wrong. Very wrong.   
  
"I didn't have anywhere else to sleep last night, Maddie. But I'll be here at the hospital from now on anyways." She nods her head into my chest, accepting this as an answer.   
  
Last night was a mistake, a big mistake. I never wanted to get close to Abby again, especially not in the physical sense. I've done exactly that, I let her get near me, I let her see me when I was vulnerable. Stupid move. When she left she took apart of me with her, as corny as that may sound, it's true. I really thought she was it, the one... Now I know better. It was just a game to her, everything is just a game to her. She loves my children, that's one thing I do know. I tried to fight it when we were together, I am trying to fight it now, but I its the truth. She sees them as her own children. I didn't want Madison to see us together, for that point exactly. She says she hates Abby, but I know there is a part of her, a part that longs to be loved by Abby, and to know that she cares. This is one big fucking drama. One drama that holds my sons life in the palm of its hands...   
  
We enter the cafeteria, I ignore Madison's begs for a pop, I don't want her drinking that shit. Not at a time like this when she's not getting her regular meals. I grab myself a coffee, great example I am. Tossing her a juice, we walk out of the cafeteria. Her hand loosely lays in mine, as she hums again, this time a sadder song, one I don't really want to identify. Recognizing it I tug on Maddie's arm, trying to get her to stop. She looks up at me, continuing for a second longer. Enya... That song, the one that was played at Becky's funeral. Shivers run up and down my spine every time I hear it. We open the door to Sebastian's room. Female voices fill the air, one I know... Abby's. Who else? The other I can't identify. They are talking about his condition, he's stable. Improvement is the word I would life to hear right now, but unfortunately that's not the case. I sigh, realizing Madison's shoelace is undone, I reach down tying her shoelace, Maddie leans up against the wall outside Seb's room. I don't think they even know we are here.   
  
The conversation soon changes. I continue to tie Madison's shoe, not really caring what Abby says. The sound of her voice still makes my heart leap into my chest, does that mean something?  
  
"His dad, he's your husband, right?" The nurse asks... Hmm, wondering whose feeding her this shit? Maybe its just a random question, I don't know. But we haven't been the least bit affection towards each other, so I have no idea where this is all coming from.   
  
"Uh- no..." Abby seems a bit embarrassed.  
  
"Boyfriend?" I glance into the room quickly, trying to peek around the wall. The nurse is young, well youngish, Abby's cheeks are a light pink colour. Oh, I embarrass her, or is the embarrassment from hope?   
  
"Nope." Abby sighs. I stand up, brushing my hands on my pants, Madison looks at me, I nod giving her the okay to go into the room.   
  
"Well, if you don't want him I'll have him. He's definitely datable." The nurse says with a grin, as I lift Madison up under my arm.   
  
"It's not that I don't want-" Abby stops dead in her sentence as we enter the room. She tries to act nonchalant. I ignore her anyways, it doesn't take much effort, I'm good at it. I don't want to talk to her, so I don't simple as that. I'm not letting us go back to where we were a year ago.   
  
The nurse excuses herself from the room. I can feel Abby's eyes on me, as Madison and I both focus our attention on Sebastian. His hair has fallen carelessly in front his eyes, he's obviously fell into a deep sleep since I left. Madison grabs a chair and pulls it over for me, while she jumps onto the bed. She accidentally bumps into Abby, mumbling a quiet apology. I glance up to see the hurt in her eyes. Your own fault baby, you left us. We wanted you around, we wanted you more than anything. Abby sits on the other side of Sebastian's bed, placing a kiss on his forehead. I watch as she whispers into his ear, I'm not sure what she is saying, but it seems to make her feel a little better. I wish I had the same luxury, I wish words could soothe me. I sigh, sitting back in the chair, Abby looks up at me. I let our eyes meet for a second before glancing away.   
  
"Hey Maddie," Maddie looks up at Abby. "Do you want to go out for lunch with me?" She wipes her eyes while asking, I can tell she was starting to tear up. Madison looks over at me, I shrug a bit, I don't think she will want too, but I don't see the problem with her going.   
  
"Sure." She whispers. I rub her back, watching as Abby looks stunned. Yeah I am kind of too, but I knew Madison has a soft spot for Abby. Even after all this time. Madison just holds grudges longer the Sebastian. "I'm going to go to the washroom first." She hops off the bed, leaving Abby and I alone. Let the awkwardness begin.   
  
When we woke up this morning, it was awkward, her in my arms for the first time in a year, yeah that was weird. But for some odd reason this feels weirder, maybe because its the first time we've been alone since then? The door creaks open and both our heads shoot up, thankful for the distraction. A tall man walks in, an attractive tall man walks in... One who is smiling at Abby. I look over to her, a smile is present on her lips. Great. I think I am meeting the new boyfriend for the first time. I thought before was awkward. He walks right past me, like I am not even here, over to Abby. He pulls her into a hug, her arms snake around his waist, they hold the embrace for a few moments. She eventually pulls him off her, and looks up at him. His thumb brushes her cheek.   
  
"How you been holding up?" She bites down on her bottom lip nodding at him. What the hell? My son is lying in a hospital bed, near death, and he's asking Abby how she is? What a fucker. Although I can say the same for Abby.   
  
"I'm okay." She sniffles a bit, glancing down at Sebastian, he does the same. Do they not realise I am sitting right here? Holy shit, these people are crazy. Not to mention inconsiderate.   
  
"Look I know we couldn't go out the other night... But if you want-" Abby gestures towards me, and the mans lips form into an 'O' shape as he glance over at me. His expression changes to that of a puzzled one.   
  
"Mitch this is John Carter- Sebastian's dad." He nods, letting go of Abby to take my hand in his.   
  
Just before Abby can get any further into this weird situation Madison waltzes out of the washroom. Smiling at Abby, "can we go now?" She sighs. Abby nods, leaving us together.   
  
"I'll call you Mitch. We'll be back soon John." With that the door clanks shut.   
  
Mitch picks up Seb's chart flipping through it. I watch him intently, I hope to god he works here. He places the chart back in its holder, before taking a deep breath. "Look- I didn't know Abby had a boyfriend." He says sincerely and upset. I shrug, not sure if I should let him believe that Abby and I are dating or set him straight. I run my fingers through my hair looking up at him.   
  
"I'm not her boyfriend." He looks confused again. "I was, but I'm not. I never will be again. Feel free to date her." For some reason a pang of jealousy walks its way into my stomach. I ignore it, and continue to look at him.   
  
"Okay."   
  
Review Responses  
  
Natalia Madeira- I'm glad you are enjoying the story:) I'm not sure if Carter and Abby will reconcile, maybe not just yet, they have a few things to over come first. Don't worry I understood you:)  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- I hope Seb gets better too. I'm not really sure how that will play out yet. Its all still up in the air. 


	7. Breaking Point

**Authors Note-** Sorry for the lack of updates, but I was away this past weekend. And I didn't get a chance to post a chapter on Friday, because I was pretty busy. It seems I'll be going away this weekend too. I'll try to post chapters everyday this week though, to make up for lost time.   
  
The rain slowly patters against the window, sending the entire world into a dark bliss. The thunder rolls and the lighting strikes the sky, a message from the angry gods. The rhythmic pitter patter of the large drops sends me deeper into oblivion. I'm falling into a spiral of confusion, the end looking more and more like the beginning every day. I can see the sky crack, sending torrents through the ground, vibrating everything in sight. The storm does nothing but push me deeper into the hole I've created. I'm no longer what I used to me. I can lie all I want to myself. The bitter taste of a salty tear makes its way down over my lips. I brush it away, avoiding to confront the clutter inside myself. I throw my shoes off under the table, walking towards the living room. I turn the lights off before they have a chance to go out on their own. I light the few candles that I have, scattered around the room. Their pale orange glow fills the empty space, giving me a bleak view of my world. I push my CD player on, selecting Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I set it on low, letting it gently mix with the sound of the storm. I walk over to my cabinet, pulling out a wine glass and a bottle of red wine. I slowly pour the blood-toned liquid into the clear crystal cup. It makes a comforting swoosh, I know its affects and consequences, I'm ready to take them. I plant myself on my sofa, pulling my feet up under me. My skirt rides up my thighs, I don't bother to pull it down. Siri comes in, sitting directly under me, the sigh of exhaustion coming from deep within in throat. The lighting makes my room glow, the gentle flash illuminating the walls, making everything look like a mystery, destruction, fear. I pull the barrette out of my hair, letting my dark brown hair fall down onto my shoulders. I push my bangs behind my ears, laying my head down on the edge of the sofa. I twirl the glass in my hand, afriad to take a sip, and yet dying to. The nights alone I've spent have never been this painful. I don't know why I go back. I was so much happier without them. Yet I can't leave them alone. A roadblock, stuck between a stone and a hard place. I don't know what to do anymore.   
  
I pull the glass up to my lips, taking a gentle sip of the cold, sweet liquid. It runs down my throat, slowly soothing my doubts. I place the glass on the table next to me, watching the condensation gather upon the glass. That's all I'll have tonight. I'm in control of too much, too fast, too soon. Today I was offered the Co-director of Psychology position. I haven't been here that long, I've barely started my residency. He said there was something about me, something that everyone can relate with, my patient etiquette, my attitude, my approaches, were far beyond my years. I want to take the position, but it would mean more work, yet more money. I don't know. I barely have a life now, maybe it would keep me even busier. If Sebastian lives through this, he'll go back to Chicago. I'll stay here. I can't go there, too many painful experiences. I shift my gaze toward the window, I can almost make out his silhouette, his pain stricken face, the exhaustion, the worried, the doubts, the fears. Everything that made me fall in love with him all over again last night. I call Siri up onto the couch with me, and he lumbers up and over. He rests his head in my lap, and I begin my rhythmic ritual of scratching his ears. I run my hand over his soft black fur, my only friend right about now. I don't know what I'm going to do. Mitch is great, he's absolutely wonderful, but is he the one for me? I would only be so lucky to snag him, but my heart would always be somewhere else. Just like after Richard, after the baby. A sudden torment of doubts always come to mind. I don't' want to be put through that again.   
  
The melody echoes over and over through the room, my questions will remain questions. The darkness of the world taking me over, mixing with the hopelessness inside me. I feel the tears pooling once again in my eyes, the Stoic attitude I always try to present crumbling around me. I can feel the warm tears rushing down my cheeks, a sharp contrast to my cold skin. They keep falling, like water going over a waterfall, soaking my shirt, contaminating it with stains that will never go away. The permanent stain of who I am. I'm a permanent stain in the world, never faltering to admit that.   
  
I hear a subtle knocking at the door, Siri jumps up, running towards it. I brush the tears away from my cheeks, but I know that the red will be there. The red in my eye, blood, death, pain. All synonymous. I open the door, the rain only a gentle mist now. The storm has passed. He stands there, water dripping down his hair and cheeks, sheltering his daughter in his arms. She's fast asleep, innocent and peaceful. I open the door wider, letting him into my safe haven, avoiding any eye contact. He can't see the real me in the darkness, he can't see my tears or my pains. He can't see the way he's slowly murdering me inside. I'll never let the truth be known. I shut the door, following him up the stairs. Siri is on his heels, protectively guarding me from all dangers. He doesn't' know the worst dangers are the emotional kind. He places Madison in the bedroom, pulling her shoes off, tucking her in. She's out for the night, for the morning as well. Siri makes his way to her bed, and lies down on the floor next to her. He looks up at me and I nod my head. Stay there, take care of her. He exits, and I follow him, leaving the door slightly ajar. He's already down the stairs as soon as I reach him. He enters my sanctuary, looking out the same window I had been watching the hypnotizing rain. I stand a few feet behind him, the silence and tension too much to overcome tonight. He sees my wine glass, and he picks it up. I await his condemnation or judgement. I get none. He swirls it the same way I do, then sets it back down on the table. He shifts from one foot to the next, his hands in his pockets, stiff and on guard, like a bird ready for attack. My bare feet hit the carpet as I edge closer to him. He's staring off into space. The same habit I've exhibited tonight.   
  
The rain starts up again, stronger and angrier than before. It seems to be mad at everything around it, whipping the defenceless raindrops against the windows, the wind controlling everything around it. The thunder rumbles louder, almost on top of us. In the flicker I can see his face, uncertainty and death taking their toll upon him. I take another step in, I don't' know what I'm supposed to do. The candles flicker from the wind seeping through the cracks. The first one goes out, the other two manage to survive. The room is getting darker, the space between us darker, the connection we shared almost black. We're slipping farther and father away from each other although we are moving closer and closer. Darkness and emptiness controls us both, no matter how much we try to deny it. We're so similar, so fragile, so weak, so lost. We're both lost, searching for everything but finding nothing. We both as questions, yet we're met with no answers. We both want to see the light, yet we're only thrown deeper and deeper into an endless tunnel.   
  
I make my way closer to him, resting my hand on his shoulder. I feel him stiffen at the touch, the same approach Madison has toward me. Just bear all your pain upon me, I'd rather suffer than let you. I want to see you smile again, I want the life back in your eyes. I know you despise me, you hate me, you never want to see me again, but you did, for the love of your son. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to cause all this unending pain. If I could change it all, I might. I can't say I would, but I might. Some things are too hard to turn back, others I'd rather not. It's a hodgepodge of unknowns.   
  
I'm within centimetres of him, I can feel his body heat against my flesh. The emotions rush back to me, my cheeks still red from tears, my eyes burning, the lingering taste of salt still present on my lips. I make my moves graceful and slow, not letting him doubt my intentions. I wrap my arms around him pulling him with me, my heart beating against his. His arms wrap around my body, my cheek pressed against his chest. His head rests on top of mine, my hands run up and down his back, then I simply stop. The music continues in the background, the candles flicker, the rain beats against the window. We're frozen in this moment, our pain linking us together, our doubts and fears joining us. I feel his thumb against my cheek, wiping away the tears I hadn't realized were falling. I break away.   
  
I rush through my patio door, running into the pouring rain. I need to get rid of all this, cleanse myself, let everything flow away from me. The rain pommels against my exposed arms, head, face, legs, body. I can feel my heart thrashing inside my chest, my body giving up the struggle, shaking fiercely. I've lost all control over my body, trembling, sobbing, gasping for air. The physical pain pushes everything outside of me, I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't feel anything but pain. And him. I feel him, his arms wrapped around my body, sinking with me to the wet, hard, grass... He's holding me, guarding me. I want to push him away, I don't' want him here, he's not going to be here in a few weeks. I'll still be alone and miserable. I want to push him away. I can't. I grasp onto him, digging my nails into his warm flesh, latching on to his body. And he hold me, deep into the night, through the rain, through the cold, the tears, the pain, the anger, the frustrations, the doubts. He's here.  
  
**Review Responses**  
  
**ER-Carby-Luva-** Maddie gets worse before she gets better. lol.  
  
**hyperpiper91-** I'm not so sure, It could go either way at this point...  
  
**hyperpiper91-** lol thanks dude!  
  
**smilez4eva-** They totally do. lol.  
  
**trish-** thank you, I hope he lives... Not so sure right now.   
  
**FallenAngel-** No I didn't watch the ACM's :(:( I wish I did though, and I do love a lot of country music. I am a huge Rascal Flatts, Gretchen Wilson (I love Redneck woman) Toby Keith, Kenny Chesney, Alan Jackson, Lonestar, Faith Hill, Tim Mcgraw(a few of his songs) fan... lol plus a few more!  
  
**TW-** Thanks for the constructive critism. I think with joint fics though, it is tought to make them flow, and to make our ideas mesh, it may seem like an excuse but its hard putting two ideas together... thanks though. 


	8. Important

Authors Note- Hey, this fic is back up... One only knows for how long though. But we will do our best to keep it running and running smoothly... The review responses I will get too it the next chapter. Thanks for all your support and waiting for this fic.. Hope you enjoy the two chapters we have for you.

Solicitude coming few and far between. Days blending into nights, never knowing where one starts and the other ends. I'm not sure I remember what light looks like anymore, just a grim hospital room greets me everyday. Its pasty white floor staring up at me, like staring death in the eye. Not the kind you hear about, the tales young children are told. No, the kind that steals wives and mothers from their families, young children from their parents. Death is pretty, its not sweet, heaven doesn't hold something better. It tears each fibre from our being. Souls linger in the corners of each room. Empty souls that have no home, because the evil hand of death stole them much too early...

It's too early.

Tiny fingers play in my hand, the only sign of consciousness. I want to speak to him, tell him that I'm here, that I'll always be here, that everything will be okay. Nothing comes out. I can't lie. I'm beyond lying. I've tried everything in the book. Nothing eases his pain, I think he's ready. Ready to let go. He told me that he didn't want to hang on anymore, that each breath was too painful.

Tears burn my eyes at just the thought of his weak body heaving to spit out such saddening words. Oh God, Seb. Don't go. Don't leave Madison and I here like this. We need you, we need you so much. The only light to our grim days, when darkness seems to cave around us, you won't allow it. You never cease to amaze me.

"Sebastian." I whisper it, not sure if he can hear me or not. Easily, he has fallen back into the state of dreams. "I just want you to know-" The words catch in my throat... "I want you to keep fighting... For me. Please. I don't know if I can go on living without you... You're- you mean so much to me. More than you know. Please." Tears trickle down my rough cheeks, burning against the stubble.

"Dr. Carter?" I'm roused from my state by a soft voice. I look up at the nurse, quickly wiping the stray tears from my cheeks. "I'm just here to check on Sebastian." I nod my approval, moving a mere inch or two away from him so she can get a better look.

"The Doctors told me it looks grim right now... But if he makes it through the week-"

"I know." I could her off rudely. I've heard this tale before, I don't want to hear 'if he makes it through the week his chances go up.' Making it through the week would be a miracle. A miracle for sure.

I watch as the nurse jots things down on her clipboard, all the while talking soothingly to Sebastian. He seems to respond a bit, not a lot though. He's barely awake for five minutes before fading out again.

"Hey." I turn my head to see Abby walking in. Madison a few feet behind her. The nurse smiles at Abby before leaving quickly, obviously taken aback by my recent outburst. Abby hangs back a bit, as Madison pushes forward. I take the small girl in my arms, trying to comfort her the best I can. I glance at Abby, her eyes sunken in, dark circles line them. Her lack of sleep in previous nights obvious. I pick Madison up, placing her in the chair beside Sebastian's bed.

"Any news?" Abby mumbles, looking up at me for a moment before looking elsewhere. I nudge her, signalling for her to join me outside. I don't need Madison hearing this, that would just give her too much hope, or hearing that he may not make it through the week at all, dash all her hopes all together. Either one is a dangerous bet for her.

She stands up against the wall, uncomfortable with being alone with me. After the other night we never got a chance to speak alone. I'm not sure I wanted too, things are already so complicated, I don't think I care bare to touch base onto that subject. She knows what's going to happen once this ordeal ends... Madison and I will leave... God I hope Sebastian can come with us. Her gaze meets mine, anticipating the beginning of this conversation.

"If he makes it through the week his odds are better." I don't look at her, I don't want too. My monotone voice continues on, I focus on a painting on the opposite wall. Its dull colours and plain picture keeps me intrigued so I don't cry, yet bored enough so I stay focused on the topic at hand. My son's life.

"His chances..." She grabs for my hand, bringing my eye level down to meet hers. "I know." She says it soothingly, I almost want to scream at her. I don't want your fucking sympathy, I don't need god damn sweet words, I want my son back. Her fingers run along my knuckles, smoothing down the stray hairs.

"Look-" I tug my hand away roughly, it doesn't phase her. "I just- can you leave? I need to be alone with my kids... It could be the last..." I rub my fingers along my forehead, before her arms are around me, holding me close. I lean into her shoulder, grasping onto her for dear life, my only lifeline. She holds me as I collapse to the hard floor. Just like I held her the other night, just like we will end up holding each other through all this.

Something to hold onto... _Someone_. That's all, not an emotional connection, nothing, just someone, anyone, I just... I need something to hang onto right now. The world seems hopeless... The world _is_ hopeless. Her fingers dig into my flesh, my arms wrapped around her tiny waist. Don't let go. Don't ever let go. I can feel our tears mixing together, our pain becoming one... My heart breaks with hers, I want to stay like this forever, I want her to magically take my pain away, even for a second. I need her to do all those things for me, that I did for her. I would have given her everything if she had stayed... Anything. I loved her, I loved her more than anything, more than she would ever know. That wasn't enough. I wish it was. I wish _I_ was enough.

"Daddy." I look up, seeing Madison a fearful look on her face. I don't blame her, a young child seeing the only support she has, her mentor in tears over something we're all trying to stay so strong about. I'm a failure as a parent.

"Yeah?" She watches for a second, her body soon sliding to the floor, joining the tangle of bodies already there. She sits in my lap, her head resting against Abby's shoulder.

"I don't want to be strong anymore." Her voice no more than a whisper, gently Abby places a kiss on her forehead, as a tear runs down her cheek. She moves her hand to wipe it away, but I catch it before she can finish.

"You don't have to be anymore, baby." Her head nuzzles into my chest, as she crawls into Abby's lap. I look at her, Abby shoots me a sad look, I know exactly what she is thinking.


	9. Simply The End

Authors Note- Another one for tonight... I'm tired... Night everyone...

I pull her body closer to mine as I carry her on my arms. Her tiny frame rests comfortably in the space I've given her, my hand running up and down her back. Carter kisses her again before I turn to take her home to bed. He's staying the night tonight, and I'm staying tomorrow since I'm on shift in the morning. We've worked out these patterns, neither of us gets any sleep, except for Madison. She's worn out from everything, and all she's done is stick to me or Carter. I don't mind. I place a kiss on her forehead and silently nod to Carter as I exit through the doors. He knows the routine. Call me if anything happens. I walk toward the elevator, not wanting to leave. I don't know how I would react if I knew this was going to be the last time I would see Sebastian again. I get to my car without turning around, putting Madison in the backseat and attempting to fasten her without waking her up. I'm somewhat successful, and she only stirs for a brief second. I get into the driver's seat, and finally manage to take a deep breath. This is what m life has been restricted to. My family and my work. I'm a living, breathing zombie lost in a trance. I would give my life up for Seb if I knew it would make a difference and make him better. Its a cruel game of fate now. I reach my house, and see Siri running toward me from the backyard. The one thing that's true in life is a dog. He will always be there, no matter what. He sits down at my heel as I pull Maddie out of the car. She grabs onto my neck and holds on tight. I lock my car and get into the house in a fluid movement. I start up the stairs with her, more eager to put her down to bed than anything else. I hear her sleepy voice over the hum of the vent.

"Abby.. Can I stay with you tonight?"

I nod my head and give her a kiss on the cheek. I walk toward my bedroom and place her on the bed. I get a shirt out of my dresser for her to change into and I hand it to her. She barely can see straight, but she knows what to do. I leave her for a second, while I walk downstairs and feed Siri. Maggie's been pretty good about coming and taking care of him while I've been dealing with Seb. I sift the screen door open enough for Siri to get out and I shut the lamp off. I promise I'll play with you tomorrow, but I"m just so tired right now. I wander up the stairs, discarding clothing as I go. I don't care anymore. I can't deal with this all at once. I reach my room and Maddie is already fast asleep under the covers. I change into a pair of pj bottoms and leave my tank top from earlier on. I can barely lift my hands, I have no clue how I'm going to manage my patients tomorrow. I hope I don't have any of the crazy ones. And I pray they don't decide to call me into the ER tomorrow. I hate working nights cause that always means ER. I climb under the covers and Maddie instantly curls up next to me. I wrap my arms around her and she snuggles in tightly. I set my alarm, and finally manage to lay down. The green letters of the display cast an eerie glow upon the room. I'll worry about that later....

The shrill beep of my alarm clock wakes me. It's about seven o clock in the morning, and I can barely see straight or feel my body. Madison lies on the pillow next to me, not disturbed by the ear piercing scream. She can sleep for a while longer. Siri greets me as soon as I'm sitting up in bed, his wet nose on my toes. I pet his head for a few minutes, and at least I know one person loves me unconditionally. I motion him outside and he leads me. I get down the stairs, setting my coffee and getting my paper. I don't have time to read anything, and the stack by the door has been growing with every passing day. As I wait for my coffee to finish, I pour Siri a cup of dry food and change his water. He sits down and watches me eagerly. I've been ignoring my best friend. I crouch down and scratch behind his ears. He lets out a moan and his head melts onto my lap. My stupid old dog. I get back up when the coffee sounds and pour myself a cup. I take a few sips before running off to the shower to wash the smell off the hospital's PICU off myself. I doubt it will ever fully leave me though. I turn the water on and wait for it to heat. After a second, I pop into the shower, letting the warm water wash away all the impurities on my skin. I quickly run the shampoo through and out of my hair, and run the sponge over my body. Five minutes is all I have for today. No time to grieve. I pop out, drying my hair with a towel then running the blow dryer through my locks carelessly. I comb it out and put in into a twist. I don't care anymore. I run to my closet, avoiding waking Maddie till I'm dressed. I pull out a blue button up shirt and a black knee length skirt. It works, and it's multi-tasked. I find a black bra and some undies from one of my drawers and head back into the bathroom to dress and put some touch up makeup on. Although I highly doubt anything will hide the wrinkles and bags under my eyes. I look like death on vacation. I take a quick glance in the mirror. I look presentable. I walk into my room and sit on the bed, running my hand over Maddie's arm. She opens her eyes, then closes them again.

"Maddie... Get up honey... We need to get going."

She rustles around in bed before bringing two hands wearily to her eyes. She groggily takes the clothes I hand her and walks into the bathroom. I run downstairs, gulping down the rest of my coffee and grabbing my suitcase with my files. I put it with my purse on the kitchen table. I push Siri outside into the yard, Maggie will be by in about an hour to take him for a walk. I jog up the stairs to Maddie, and carefully brush her hair. I pull it up into a ponytail and she gives me a satisfied glance. She puts on her sneakers and I pull on my heals. I'm running late. Damn it. Traffic needs to be merciful. I take her by the hand and we head off to the car, she's half awake, I"m half asleep.

Since all of hell and heaven hate me, I'm running ten minutes late for my first appointment. I park my car and take Maddie into my arms. I'll pop by my office to tell my first patient that I'll be right back. It might take more time, but at least he knows I care and that I"m there for him. I can never be too careful with these looney toons. I make my way up the stairs and then I put Maddie down, taking her hand. My back is killing me. It's all worth it. I see Mr. Zachariah sitting in the corner with his wife. I walk up to him and Maddie hides behind me.

"Mr. Zachariah, I'm sorry I'm late. It's been a bad week. Let me just drop off Maddie, here, and we'll start."

He nods his head and smiles. He's a nice old man, suffering from major depression. I hand my papers to Maura, my secretary. Mr. Zachariah's wife gives me a warm smile and a caring nod. She's the sweetest woman alive.

"You've got a beautiful daughter, Dr. Lockhart."

I nod my head and plant a kiss on Maddie's forehead, she lets out a shy smile. I take her hand and start toward PICU. Carter is probably starting to worry about her. I try to keep a steady pace, just enough for Maddie to keep up with me. When we finally reach Seb's room, I see Carter breathe out a sigh of relief. I knew he would worry, but he wouldn't dare call me. I give Maddie a hug and she runs into her father's open arms. I walk up closer to Seb, giving him a kiss on the cheek. I take his hand and squeeze it, he squeezes back gently.

"Hey Seb, it's Abby... I can't stay, but I'll be back later. I love you, baby."

I kiss him again and look at Carter for any hopeful news. There is none. The lights in the room seem to be getting dimmer each time I enter, the hallway sounds like a mausoleum. I can't take any of this anymore. That's why I went to psychology. You deal with the mental, some things you can change, others you can't, but there are no waiting games. There are no life or death strikes. You can make it or break it. It's a challenge, but not as hard as working on a failing body. With the mind, there is always hope. I've lost the hope that I thought I had. There is none, there are the facts. Seb's going to die, and there's nothing any of us can do about it.


End file.
